A Story about Self-Love: 19

“In times of need, come back to me. For I hold the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.”

-Kayla, 19

For too long, I have suffered. Whether it was at the hands of another or myself, is another question. I have suffered in the sense that I have not truly accepted myself in all areas. I have chosen to instead reject or deny myself access to parts of myself that I wish received more love and affection. I have silenced myself in the face of adversity only to save myself a seat on the boat to eternal Hell. It is draining, this process. To sit in quiet, allowing your inner dialogue to run rampage through your mind while your lips stay still. It’s painful. It’s disrespectful. It’s a lie. A lie with no words. As I mature, as my consciousness expands from my third eye and projects a reality in front of my very eyes, I can see just how far away I am from completing my soul’s mission. I have many paths to walk, many rivers to cross, and may seas to swim across before I am gifted the ability to transcend to another Heaven… or Hell. Who knows.

I am here today because I have noticed a pattern in my mistakes. They all begin with a spark of self-doubt, just a slither of self-hatred. Same thing. The idea that I believe (be-lie-eve) I should contradict what my intuition tells me is WRONG. Let me repeat that. When I doubt myself, that is WRONG. Yes, I am using the terms right and wrong. I am creating a sense of duality. The reason for this is because I should not reject who I truthfully am. I should embrace it with open arms, being honest and happy. Double H, Heaven & Hell haha ;). I have been at war since I was 8, when I was introduced to the idea of doubting myself. It was when I moved to Delaware. I remember the first time someone pointed out my crooked teeth, telling me that I looked like a “bucked tooth beaver”. And I remember the children making fun of me for liking to read or being friendly with the teacher. That was when I first doubted myself and started to try to be like someone else. The first person I tried to be like was a girl named Angel. She used to write her 8’s different than me, choosing to go the double o route, creating incomplete “snowmen”. I went the “traditional” route, atleast what I think is traditional, creating infinity signs. However, mine was not good enough for some reason, and Angel’s was. So, because I admired her, I copied her. I wrote my 8’s the exact same as her. I felt a sense of accomplishment too, however, that all went away when she would leave my presence and I was not sure I drew the 8 perfectly. You see, what exactly is the word “perfect”? Who created such a word in such an imperfect world? That’s when the anxiety would kick in. The anxiety that I was feeling was because I was not doing a good enough job being someone else. The reason I had so much anxiety was because I was not being me. 

What I am starting to see, thanks to a wonderful friend of mine, is that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. For such a long time, I was obsessed with pleasing other people that I literally neglected my tasks, my responsibilities, and obligations. I threw them out the window, because pleasing the people in this world and gaining acceptance was more important than making sure I was okay. Other people were up higher on my priority list than myself, and that's okay. That was me. I have been surrounded by another individual my whole entire life, I have admired another human being for my entire life. I am a twin, and I have always wanted to be exactly like her while being nothing like her at all. Even to this day, I remind myself internally to “act like your sister” or “now what would your sister do”. What is funny is that while I am writing this, I am looking up “twin identity issues” on Google to put some pieces of my life puzzle together. What I notice is that I may have a problem identifying too often with my sister and not allowing myself to stand separately. For such a long time, we have tried to dissociate ourselves from each other without really being able to do so. And as time has went on, we have. But there is a piece inside of me that yearns for my other half… Maybe that is why I feel so lonely. At school, I have no one (and see, that is selfish af) to show me who I really am, so I can be whoever I want to be. I am at school who I would love to be, but I can barely keep up with that image. I am Kayla, and this is she.

Right now, my soul is inhabiting the body of a 19 year old maturing woman who was born as a twin. In the womb and during the early years, my soul has had to endure a separation of identity and fusion of a new one known as “we” or “the girls” or “the twins”. As my body grows older and goes through more experiences, such as having a father distance himself from the family and being raised by a single mother who also had the same thing happen to her, my soul has undergone internal turmoil to find peace within the chaos surrounding the world. Being told to express myself a certain way so that I could be liked and accepted was one of them, and living the lives of a person who is okay with wearing a different hat each day is the other. Not being able to be the wild-child that my soul is, not being able to embrace the inner feminine that looks to exit the cage she is held in drives my soul absolutely insane. Having to conform to the “rules” of society that were created by MAN instead of the UNIVERSE confuses me because I do not agree to them because they FEEL false. I wish to be free, all that I understand is freedom. That is why I always feel the need “to just go” and be free. I feel the need to be free so that I can meet people around the world and escape this “virtual reality” I am being forced to believe in. And the idea that I am literally still living a lie makes me angry and guilty and shameful and regretful because I know that I can do better because I can do anything I wish. I can choose to live a lie, I can choose to be free. I have either of those choices, but with them are  consequences. Living a lie and living as a mental slave forever, or choosing to be free and being chased down to become a slave. The life I envision is a life full of wonder, curiosity, and learning. <<- This is the life I wish to live. I wish to explore new areas of the world, gaining understanding on all the truth that exists in a place riddled with lies. I wish to (PAUSE: It is funny, I saw the number 10:10 at this time and looked it up and it was about creating your realities. Would ya look at that :D). I will learn a variety of instruments including my voice, becoming a master of creating vibrations , harnessing my ultimate power of sound. I will use my words to soothe the people around me, give them unconditional love and shower them with blessings. I will encourage them to stand tall in their power and truth and rise against the devilish corruption of the soul that occurs on this planet way too often. I will become famous for something good, such as writing a book about my life and/or creating manuals for other people to follow to live a life of peace and acceptance, rather than of shame and remorse.

I love my ability to relate to people, to empathize. When someone shows me an emotion, it is as if my face completely embodies the other and I too feel the great pain to a lesser extent of which they carry. I use the pain they send towards me, and like an alchemist, transmute the energy into love that nourishes their soul and makes them feel capable. I love my ability to create fantastic images in my mind when I sleep, daydream, or am just reading. It is a superpower! I can create any reality that I desire, and it is all within my ability to do so. I love the fire that burns in my heart when I am doing something like this, doing something I love. When I do this, I do not wish to stop until I have completed the project AND satisfied my soul. When I am doing something I love, there are no mistakes. Everything is “perfect” in my eyes because everything I do, I love and appreciate. Is that not what perfection is? I love being sensitive and being passive. Sometimes I burn too hot and need to rest and cool. Being sensitive and feeling deeply, being passive and creating less but reflecting more is apart of my cycle that in the moment drains, but ultimately empowers me. Just writing this appreciation for myself, showing myself some love is making me so grateful to be alive. I love the body that I have, even though I sometimes wish it looked different. I am “perfect” just the way that I am, created in God’s image to be exactly who I am. I was born in a body that is incredibly powerful, slender, and muscular. If I embraced my Godliness, I could be so powerful… It is insane. I can be as powerful and as strong as I wish to be. I can be as feminine and as loving as I choose to be. I can be whatever I choose to be, and today, tomorrow, and for the REST OF MY LIFE I CHOOSE TO BE ME. I ultimately live for me, and choose to make myself happy. Once I can do that, I can save the world. One person at a time <3. One love.